When Self Care Doesn't Work

Have you ever tried to “do” self care and… fail?

Instead of feeling satisfied and refueled, you end up bored, frustrated or like you’re wasting your time?

When it comes to self care, there exists a vast spectrum of options for us to tap into.

A massage, a nap, mediation, fixing things, sex, decluttering, forest bathing, smashing plates, a comedy show, plant-medicine… self care can take on so many forms!

But if we don’t apply the RIGHT self care strategy, we can actually make things worse for ourselves, not better.

Take my morning for example.

I’d been feeling “off” for the past week and hadn’t taken the time to figure “it” out.

Lately I have been operating in super high gear. Working a ton on the backend of my business. Long work days — every day of the week in GO mode.

I’ve been strategizing and studying and problem solving and planning. Loads of screen time. High production.

My manager parts have been getting things done! Like. A. Boss.

Unfortunately, while I’ve been in high achievement mode, parts of me have been ruthlessly shoved aside. And instead of creating space for them in my rest time, I have been staying up late and binging on Netflix… (aka zoning out/more screens/avoidance).

Those ignored parts have been building pressure beneath the surface. A pressure that this morning was bursting at the scenes.

So, I intended a self care morning to find relief.

My self care plan?

Meditation and journaling and self-reflection. I was going to create space to sit with my parts in a self-inquiry process to “figure it out”.

But the meditation was boring…

The journaling turned into more business planning…

The self-inquiry had me completely zoning out…

The result?

I felt frustrated. Frustrated that my self care wasn’t “working”.

Self Care isn't always about bubble baths.

Funny thing is — while those strategies failed to access the parts that were creating the internal pressure, in the neutral moments when I wasn’t attempting to fix the pressure on purpose, they would sneak up on me!

As I loaded the dishwasher, when I went to get the mail, without any warning, the emotions threatened to rush out like Niagara Falls.

But — my efficiency manager parts were fiercely on guard and NOT okay with any meltdowns. (because they had sh*t to do!)

So the emotionality disappeared as quickly as it arose and I was back into numb doing-thinking mode again.

This wasn’t working. I had to find a way to allow the suppressed parts to express.

So I sat down on the floor of my daughter’s bedroom in a spot of sunshine filtering through the window and prayed.

Instantly the tears started flowing. I felt held and supported and ALLOWED to release. To BE the waterfall.

Then I sang Amazing Grace…while the tears kept falling…

And when the tears stopped all I wanted to do was dance!

So I turned on my music and that’s exactly what I did. I danced myself into a sweaty mess for 45 minutes.

AHHH!

I didn’t need to FIGURE IT OUT. I needed to FEEL IT OUT.

Of course.

Your self care strategy is only as effective as your awareness of WHY you need self care in the first place.

Self Care Doing Versus Self Care Being

I’d been all DO DO DO: super in my masculine.

The smothered parts were my feminine parts.

And the feminine within in me needed to BE.

To express. To feel. To move.

The reason my self care attempts of mediation, journaling and self-inquiry bombed was because those are masculine strategies. And I did NOT need to do any more masculine!

I needed to balance out all my masculine doing with some feminine being.

Now I want to take a moment to remark how ironic it is that I had to re-member this lesson again, considering that my business motto is DO LESS BE MORE.

This is the root of why I began my coaching practice back in 2020. I had suffered extreme depression and burnout due to YEARS of DOING in my masculine, completely suppressing the feminine.

So here we are. Back to the basics of Do Less. Be More.

It’s all about balance.

And the reason we need to BE more in order to achieve balance, is because in general, we as a society are heavy on the masculine! (It’s the reason we’re experiencing an epidemic of burnout.)

When we are feeling off, we are out of balance.

We’ve gone too far into one polarity (masculine or feminine) for too long.

My hyper-productivity month of strategizing, planning, managing, doing was ALL MASCULINE.

In less than an hour of feminine-therapy I felt that pressure release.

I went from feeling OFF to feeling soooo ON. What a relief!

I was able to jump on my Accountability Call feeling bright and energized. A stark difference from only an hour prior when I was dreading having to get in front of my computer.

So here’s my lesson remembered, for you to use the next time you’re feeling “off”.

How To Do Self Care "Right"

1. Tune into why you’re off-balance.

Have you been heavily in your masculine or heavily in the feminine? Here’s how to tell:

The Masculine DOES.

He is the thinking, planning, doing. He is in the mind - directing experience. If you’ve been spending a lot of time strategizing, contemplating, executing, problem solving… If you’ve been in practical, logical GO mode — then you’ve been in your masculine.

The Feminine IS.

She is the feeling, the sensing, the pleasuring. She is in the body - being experience. Nurturing, playing with nature, being creative. My guess is most of you haven’t been BEING too much, but if you have: YAY!

And… balance is important. So if you’ve gone too far into the feminine for too long that it’s causing you to feel off, then you’ll need to re-balance with some masculine strategies of self-care.

2. Choose a self-care strategy that is the opposite of the energy you’ve been stuck in.

If you’ve been super in your masculine and the pressure’s been building then self care will take on the form of BEING. Here’s some examples:

• create art: play an instrument, sing, paint, color, play dress up!

• frolic in nature

• indulge in an aromatherapy bath with candles, soothing music, and herbal tea

• somatic exercises / get into your body: dance, run, shake, just move!

If you’ve been heavy in your feminine to the point of stuck-ness then your self care strategy will take on the form of DOING. Some examples:

• declutter your space

• fix something that’s broken

• meditate

• get self-reflective: journal, go for talk therapy, do some future-visioning

Taking Responsibility For Balanced Self Care

We all have masculine and feminine energy within us. It’s our job to ensure we are allowing both aspects to be expressed in a balanced way. When we swing too far into one polarity for too long, we end up feeling off - either depressed or burned out, stagnant or depleted.

If we can notice the reason for our imbalance - which energy we’ve gone too heavy in for too long, then we can choose the right self-care strategy to help re-establish internal harmony.

For support in creating more balance within yourself in a sustainable and purposeful way, book a consultation call to assess fit. In our coaching relationship you will learn to reharmonize in your inner world so that you can live your life's purpose - using the masculine/feminine polarity concept, as well as Human Design, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and other holistic and integrative tools.